Friday, 24 April 2009

Oh well

Here we go again - yet another missed miscarriage. Not that unsurprising given the slow progress at the last one but still a big blow.

I have now hit that 3 m/c jackpot for referral to the recurrent miscarriage unit - oh joy. I know I said we were done but I am going to take the referral anyway as I want to know as much as I can as to why this keeps happening. I know that at the most likely reason is the elderly eggs but still given I already have an auto-immune disease (lupus) its possible that there could be something testable going on.

So yesterday morning was spent at super calming full of ancient Greek pots private scan place - 2 scans to confirm the blindingly obvious to everyone from the first 30 seconds - little growth and no heartbeat is a pretty big clue. Followed by super expensive delicious banana, cardamon and chocolate muffin and a flat white in glamour cafe to ease the pain. Walk in the sun through central London to the EPU at massive teaching hospital to be scanned again and then given the "options". I can't face expectant management so the ERPC under local will be on Tuesday next week. Now I just have to try and organise the genetic testing which for obscure reasons isn't standard and getting my APS status checked before the procedure. I usually test negative for APS but occasionally positive and I just want to rule it out for this one.

I do find it so very very frustrating that for most of my thirties my body refused to get it together so that A could meet B and create C when the eggs were in order without huge amounts of money and drugs and then works it out for my 40s when only dodgy eggs are left. Oh and that my body is still behaving to all intents and purposes as if I was still pregnant.

Anyway there we are. Thank you all so much for your support. I am going to use the weekend to work out how to put photos on and regale you with traditional British seaside bucket and spade shots. At least the holiday - which was lovely - was not ruined by this hideous process.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Phew - kinda.....

I have been told by the very Germanic dr at the fancy scan joint to be cautiously optimistic so I am trying it out for size. Not sure it fits yet.

So the good from this morning:

1. heartbeat - absolutely definitely - saw it myself;
2. fetal pole, yolk sac, amniotic sac - yes, yes, yes;
3. gestational sac - yup;
4. ovaries fine;
5. pouch of douglas (who? what?) - fine.

And the very much less good:

Measuring at least a week behind where I thought I should be so I've another 14 days of angst before I know anything for definite (unless I know sooner for bad reasons). Would have liked to go back sooner but Easter has meant they are totally chocabloc for the week after.

Self justification of being positive - the CRL is ok for just about 6w - although the sac is a bit small; my periods have been a bit shonky - varying by 4 days in length; I could have ovulated late I suppose which could account for another few days, or implanted late. Dr Google is being monumentally unhelpful as usual although I have ascertained that the sac is definitely over 5mm bigger than the CRL which is a allegedly a good thing.

Trouble is I have been here before. I hate uncertainty.

We are off to the Isle of Wight tomorrow - so sand castles and ice creams for us - hopefully the weather will be clement but have top to toe rain gear if not. Have a good break people.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

F*ck - scan tomorrow

Have decided deep gloom is best preparation.

Good signs:
- getting up to pee in the night;
- nausea;
- dizziness;
- much more tired than normal;
- sleeping terribly;
- digestion weird;
- need for endless peppermint tea.
Bad signs:
- no throwing up like the previous times;
- able to clean teeth mostly without retching;
- boobs not much different - although I think the fact I'm still feeding the boy at night won't help on this one. Oh and feeding has become painful which I think might need to be in the good sign box.

None of the above is worth shit however as I have been in the every symptom under the sun but no viable pregnancy camp before. Nothing I can do about it anyway. If this goes tits up though I am done. As in use contraception done. At least I think so.

Good thing we get tomorrow afternoon off as it is Maundy Thursday (a rare civil servant perk). Given the location of the scan unit my credit card may take a bashing.

Think of me.