Spectre at the feast

One of the problems with having been around the block in the IF world is knowing too much of what can go wrong. When I think back to when I was starting out on investigations all those years ago I was this total innocent convinced that everything would be all fine: if we needed IVF it would work; pregnancy would be a doddle; birth super; and child rearing no hassle at all. I soon learnt that things just weren't so. Trouble is I still keep up with a fertility related message board I joined somewhere after child one, miscarriage one and just before failed cycle one. It is, as is the way of these things, awash with babydust, belief in general woo of all sorts - except when it comes to the further reaches of "immune" treatment when it becomes all super (but generally pretty pseudo)-sciencey, lucky 7s and the power of positive thinking. It is also very supportive in its way and I have a great affection for some of the people I have linked up with through it. It was also tangentially my link in the world of IF blogs.

Anyway - back to topic - I still, for reasons which are still not particularly clear to me, keep up with various boards on this website including that of my old clinic and that is where I feel like the spectre at the feast. Time after time I read about all the people hoping for twins to create their instant sibling group and all the people thrilled to discover they are having twins. I am pleased for them when they get what they dreamed of but part of me (which thankfully and unusually for me stays silent) thinks "be careful what you wish for" as I remember all the people whose blogs I have read or who post on different zones of the MB who have lost one or both twins or who have had hideous and difficult pregnancies and premature births. The same thing happens when I read the posts about any number of other scenarios. I hate that I am like this. I want to be that innocent convinced everything would be fine again. I don't want the stuff that can go wrong to be the first things I think of. I also feel a fraud for feeling like this - in the scheme of things I haven't had much bad happen to me so I should be able to be one of the sunny positive mental attitude cheerleaders rather than the person conspicuously not joining in with the cheer. I wonder if this will ever change? Perhaps I should just stop visiting that board?

Starting over

Right - I signed up for NaComLeavMo - mostly to kick start my blog. Can't promise any proper posts this weekend as it is a holiday here in the UK and we are off to sit out the forecast rain at my parents' house.

Hello 2008

New Year's Eve came and went punctuated about a row about whether or not we want another child, accusatory statements about our respective parenting skills/lack thereof and Take That live on the TV. Take That was the best bit. I made no resolutions other than to try not to bicker with the Man and not to argue with the Girl. Have failed already at both. Must try and think through what I really do feel about a potential third child. At the moment I am finding it hard to get further than a) simply wanting to be and to feel pregnant again and b) feeling cheated. Neither seem good reasons to go back to trying again. Could we be sufficiently good parents to three? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Starting over

I thought I was through with this. I thought I had put all the IF crap behind me. I was ready to wean myself off the IF message board and stop adding new IF and loss blogs to my Bloglines. I have my my two gorgeous children (The Girl (4) and The Boy (1)). I have some old drugs sitting in my fridge and my medicine chest waiting for a friend to cycle. My old clinic is just that my old clinic. Then my blasted body does something that, in over 20 years with The Man and no contraception for at least 10 years, it has never done before - got pregnant without a doctor or drug in sight. My life plan (oh and so much of that has worked out before) never had 3 children in it. The Man was positively against the idea. But that digital pee stick and the waves of nausea said otherwise. We were thrilled. Then it was all snatched away at 8 weeks in a missed miscarriage. The lovely people at the greatest scanning unit on earth tried to be positive hoping I had my dates wrong by 2 weeks but I knew it was the end. So here I am back again to the thoughts of maybe the next cycle with my 40 year old eggs will also end in a natural conception. Fat chance.

Anyway after reading blogs for a pretty long time and commenting on them for a shorter time I now start my own. At the moment I am here to vent mainly and if anyone out there is listening I am grateful but I can be bitter and twisted at the best of times and right now times are not that great so be warned.