Monday, 30 June 2008

Missing a due date

I am coming up to one of those nasty things: a due date which never happened. The first one of these events comes around at Christmas time. This last Christmas that date passed me by as I was in the throes of the miscarriage which should instead have led on to the due date I am currently obsessing about. The upcoming date has me feeling maudlin to say the least. Oh and my period came again just like clockwork. Marvellous. Just marvellous.

In the grand scheme of things earlyish miscarriages are so easily dismissed as "just one of those things, lots of people have them and don't worry at least you know you can get pregnant". Well actually as far as the latest miscarriage was concerned no, I didn't bloody know I could get pregnant, not without a smorgasbord of drugs, needles and petri dishes at any rate. And it wasn't for lack of trying.

Even though the pregnancy failed to progress it was at least pretty amazing to finally have to the things that happen to seemingly everyone I know in the real world: realise my period was late; head out to the chemist for a test; do it and see the word pregnant appear in no seconds flat and no need to to see or tell any medical professional immediately. I have never been one for doing pregnancy tests. In fact even with the ivfs I never peed on any sticks as I was too scared to see what would be on them. I just had the blood tests and made the husband call for the results so I wouldn't have to hear bad news. I would occasionally think there might be cause to go and get a test but usually before I'd even worked myself up to buying one it would become obvious it wasn't necessary. So this whole unbelievable natural pregnancy and stick peeing was a major event. How pathetic is that - peeing on a piece of plastic a major event - this infertility business skews one's sense of what is important somewhat.

The husband, being a man albeit one who is usually pretty astute about these things, had no idea this date was coming up at all. I suppose that is hardly surprising. Whilst the emotional commitment of the man to the pregnancy as a whole and the baby to come is undoubted in the vast majority of cases, given that the physical contribution to the event is pretty fleeting I can see why a man might not be so invested in the exact number of weeks passing by. Its not like I was counting the weeks either - I just knew when 20 weeks should have been and 30 and 40. Still it pissed me off that he seemed to have forgotten entirely. But then it was only another of the things making me cross and miserable these past few days which encompass such things as the guilt of the working mother, the politics of the 4 year old birthday party and the nature of friendships. But I think those better be for another day.


DD said...

After the first two years of reminding my husband why I was going to the cemetary, I stopped mentioning it and just went. It hurts to have to hit those dates alone, but for me, it was more painful to have to explain what and why to him each time.

I'm sorry, my dear.

Aunt Becky said...

My husband would (and never could) remember any sorts of dates like that. Whereas I, even with these early m/c's I had earlier this year, will always recall the dates that Should Have Been.

It floors me that other people don't think like that.

Julia said...

I am sorry. And the "at least you X..." people piss me off with their chickenshit stupidity. A lot. How do they not get that they are not allowed to look for silver lining in someone else's cloud? Not.their.job!

JW Moxie said...

I'll be thinking of you as you get through these dates that are kept so close to you.

Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending my best to you. Here from Lost and Foung.

Almamay said...

Oh Lovely,

I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better. Sending you lots of love.


Miah said...

I am sorry. Due dates with nothing to hold are so hard. My husband doesn't remember either. I also hate it when people say at least you can get pregnant. Well not without help and since I need help it may not happen. Anyway I am so sorry this date is here. Take care

Anonymous said...

I wondered why the whole world didn't stop and say "Wow, are you still here? We can't believe you made it... that sucked so badly!"
I knew in my bones when the anniversary my miscarriage came around and when the due date that never happened arrived. Couldn't believe my husband didn't. But I think he did think "Wow, this should have been our first Christmas as a family."
I am marking your loss, and am so sorry.

Portia P said...

I'm sorry, sweetie, that you're feeling so down.

Bereavement anniversaries are so hard.

Thinking of you x

Thalia said...

I still know all the anniversaries. They are hard. I think H has forgotten, but I don't ask because I don't want to make him feel bad.

I'm sorry this happened - the joy of being able to do what everyone else does, and then having it taken away.

But do share re 4th birthday party politics, that sounds juicy.

Geohde said...

Unfilled due dates are hard. i try not to remember mine, although of course around september I always get a bit wistful.

And as for the whole natural pregnancy thing, oh yes! It would be lovely to have that experience. I'm so sorry yours ended in loss.